Two years ago this happened. Fast forward past the waiting, the court dates, the testifying, the mistrial, one NPR interview, and you get to last Saturday night when two stoner moms finally went out to celebrate the end of it all. We took the highways, where DUI checkpoints don’t exist.
So, what do two unavailable 30-somethings do when they have a night to themselves? Eat sausages and unbutton our jeans, that’s what.
How to have a Stoner Mom Girls Night Out
7:00 pm | Pre-game Smoke Sesh
Our girls nights always begin with a thorough smoke sesh at one of our homes. This time, it was my house. We lock ourselves in my bedroom and proceed to hit the bong and the dab rig at minimum, twenty times. This pre-game smoke sesh is usually accompanied with a week’s worth of marital bitching and preschool gossip. Gotta get that stuff out of the way first.
9:00 pm | Establish Homebase
Stoners should have preferred parking spots for on-location smoke sessions. Since we don’t have the luxury of sparking up in restaurants, we are often limited to medicating at home before going out. If you don’t drink that means you’ll be sober by the time you get to dessert.
The car becomes home base. Parking in a place that can serve as both a safe meeting spot in case you are separated and a sesh spot for tokes in between dinner courses means you’ll be prepared for anything the night has to offer.
What to look for in a spot: lighting, safety, cell coverage, privacy, a lack of law enforcement. For us, two petite females, our preferred home base is usually a parking garage that is physically attached to the establishment we are visiting. In fact, the bulk of our girls night take place right at this spot, hot boxing the car while blasting our patron saint of nights out, Lil Wayne.
What to pack in the stash bag:
- portable flower vaporizer of choice (I brought the mighty on this night out)
- a grinder already filled with weed
- 10 prerolls
- the dabado and wax (torchless dabbing ftw)
- two G-pens, prefilled.
10:00 pm | Eat before drinking
After getting nice and stoned, we can go to our old hot spots. First stop, the Corner Office for sausages and french fries and cocktails. It’s near dead here, but it’s in the theater district so when the last show ends you get to watch all the dressed-up people milling about. This is when the bar fills up with young orchestra players, all endearingly dorky.
What to Drink:
Precious Little Gem – Hendricks gin, yellow chartreuse, cocchi torino, cucumber + orange bitters
11:00 pm | Homebase redux
Session #2 in the car. Get baked as fuck, then leave and walk to next location whilst happily using a vape the whole way. God bless the G pen.
12:00 am | Well-off Cougar Viewing
Our second stop is the bar at the Four Seasons. It’s the Edge bar, and I swear to god it never disappoints in the people-watching department. I have been hit on here by bizarro out-of-towners, witnessed well-dressed women falling down drunk multiple times, men wearing rhinestones on the back pockets of their designer jeans, and oh yeah, I got married to David here. The most fun is watching cougars who can’t handle their wine stalk their prey. It’s quite possibly my favorite thing to watch.
Two jackasses approach and repeatedly interrupt our conversation about our goddamn families to hit on us. This is not resolved until BFF possessively touches my thigh and I flash my left hand repeatedly. Guys, if I’m wearing a ring on that hand, please don’t bother me.
What to Drink:
Gin + Tonic with a higher priced gin of choice
1:00 am | Hipster Central
We’re getting down to closing time, and nothing cool has happened thus far. We walk to Green Russell thinking we will have pie but alas, last call to the kitchen has passed. Crappy.
This is a dorky speakeasy place that has long lost its sense of originality, but it does still provide a mean cocktail.
What to Drink:
Violet Beauregard – Gin, creme de violette, blueberries and maraschino
2:00 am | Rap on the way home
Back to the car, by now everyone is ready to be home. Drive home listening to Lil Wayne. You may choose to get french fries during this time.
One thing I must say; I recognize how fortunate I am to have a stoner mom friend who 1) is a mother I can respect, and 2) has the tolerance of a rhino. The girl and I could literally consume all of the drugs, and still be just fine. We can mentally mother our way out of any inebriation that cannabis throws our way.
About finding stoner girlfriends. Abby and I built a friendship on mothering first. We didn’t connect as stoners until years after we became BFF’s. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of converting the girlfriends you already have.