Q&A: What should a stoner mom’s smoking schedule look like?

Here’s a great question from a reader:

I am a first time mom to a 14 month old baby girl. I also like to vaporize. How do you feel about medicating in the morning, not to get so stoned where you can’t do anything, but just enough to handle anxiety and enjoy the day. Do you think this is wrong to do? Do you like to smoke after kids go to sleep or do you sometimes do it during the daytime? Would love to hear your response on this. I always feel so guilty about smoking weed and taking care of my child. But I take care of all her needs and I’m always playing with her or doing what I need to do.”

The Stoner Mom has to first address something very important.

I am a real mom, a real person. One with minor children, a parenting plan filed at the courthouse and an ex-husband who could conceivably raise the girls without me. A case could be made that given the potential for controversy around my lifestyle, being public about it could be a risk. So why do I it? How do I justify this?

Here is the truth. The reason I felt confident enough to “come out” as a stoner, and talk publicly about my life as a mom, is because I am blessed to have realized something at an early age, something that many mothers have yet to understand about themselves.

I am a good mom. 

Gentle reader, you are a good mom. You meet her needs. You love her. That means you are automatically superior to all manner of shitheads out there; the ones who don’t meet their kids’ needs, who aren’t always playing with their children, who don’t give enough of a shit to even question how their habits or pleasures might affect their kids.

You Dear Reader, love your child so much that you feel immense guilt when you indulge in something that gives you relief from anxiety! Ever the mom, you criticize yourself for even needing that relief. Stop wasting energy on this guilt! Every parent has a multitude of things to worry and obsess over. Get this one OFF your list girlie. Trust me, motherhood has a LOT more in store for you; whether you are slightly/mega stoned for it is of little importance. Put that baby first always and you can rest assured that you are doing a fine enough job to justify smoking weed during the day.

This post goes over the basics for protecting yourself and your family as a pot smoking parent. Keep these points covered and you’re golden.

Mothers are guilt ridden creatures. No one prepares you for the hard twists of motherhood. With children comes a whole new potential for pain, suffering, regret. Your new state of existence will include the stomach squeezing guilt that only a mother knows. Seamlessly you become the background, and your child’s life is in every way, your focus, and a continuous reflection of you. We find ourselves questioning our abilities, doubting our merit as mothers. Do any of us deserve the responsibility of being in charge of a human life? Of more than one? What makes us qualified?

It is self-defeating thinking that really impacts our mothering abilities. Not vaporizing during the day. Embrace who you are, embrace what you need to perform at your best and healthiest. Truly, it’s nobodies business but yours, sweet new mother.

It seems to me that Mothers need ‘permission’ to do things for themselves. This extends to mothers in all income levels. We know how important self-health is, yet no matter how much or how little a mother may have, she gives to her family first. It is in our nature to do this, and as such is how popular society portrays mothers in general. Mothers are the nurturers, the sacrificer, the keeper of the family. So “me” time seems selfish, new clothes seem indulgent, smoking weed is crazy-town. For gods sakes, I have to make ‘washing my face at night’ a priority for improvement, simply because I’m too busy washing everybody else’s faces!

If you have an anxiety disorder, you have permission to treat that anxiety. Some people use pharmaceutical drugs. Others use therapy, or yoga, or meditation. Some people do nothing to treat their anxiety other than drink too much at night. Some do nothing and are miserable, judgmental, assholes. I choose to smoke pot. Anxiety free + not an asshole.

My point is, don’t feel guilty that you need/want additional help in treating your anxiety. Mothers aren’t made of iron. It’s fucking hard staying with a baby all day. Don’t let that evil voice in your brain lesson the importance of what you do all day. Realize that what you use to ease your anxiety is your choice and yours alone.

The Stoner Mom’s Smoke Session Schedule

Since I went on a rant up there, here is what my smoking schedule looks like, so you can immediately feel better about yours. This is an advanced stoner schedule, for someone with the tolerance of an alcoholic elephant, ie: not meant to copied.

Weekdays: During the school week my first smoke session takes place sometime after coming home from taking the girls to school. On the days that I volunteer in the school I don’t get high until I come home (I volunteer in the mornings). On average I am stoned from 9-2 every week day unless I am outside of the home. These are literally my only free hours during the weekdays so these hours are not spent stoned watching Oprah (though I admit sometimes spent stoned playing xbox). I typically have computer, photography or house work to do, in high amounts. I prefer to do all of these things mega stoned, listening to history podcasts. I know, SO indulgent.

After kids are home from school I am nonstop busy. There is homework, dinner, baths and bed in quick succession, so as much as I’d like to be stoned, there simply isn’t the time. Sometimes I get high while cooking dinner, if the kids are all guaranteed to be in the basement, but that honestly doesn’t happen very often with my five-year old. Pretty much 99% of the pot smoking takes place in my bedroom.

The kids are asleep by 9 and I retire to my bedroom to get ultra-mega-stoned. In this state I hang out with husband (he drinks his evening bourbon), I go to bed, and the cycle begins the next day.

Weekends: Now, I am an anomaly in that I am never with my daughters on the weekends. This is when they are with their dad, so I am responsibility free. My step-children are home on the weekends, but are busy bonding with their dad, which is admittedly very important. So basically every weekend no one really needs me and I have the ability to get stoned for 48 hours. And believe me, I take advantage of that.

If The Stoner Mom had a 14 month old baby

A quick reminder, I have two daughters, aged 8 and 5, and two step-children, aged 8 and 3. I very clearly remember the days of 14 month olds. When my kids were that age I did not yet smoke weed, so I have to imagine I have a 14 month old now. Which is a riot and NOT happening!

Anyway…

I assume my baby takes two naps, morning and afternoon. I would likely have the following routine:

• Spend the morning with baby, put her down for her nap, and then get high before she wakes. I would make certain it was a sativa, and would pair it with one cup of coffee. When baby wakes up I would be happy-high, energetic, creative, and ready to go all “tunnel vision” on the baby. I’m a big advocate of homeschooling kids before they graduate to school outside the home, and this time after that first nap when I am super high and focused, would be when I would plan her lessons.
• By the time my husband got home (dinner time) I would be ready to hand baby off to him and take several hits, because the “witching hour” is a real thing with kids, and this is the time drinking moms start fantasizing about that glass of wine.
• Lastly, after I got my baby to bed for the night, I would make it a ritual to take a bath/shower and then get a little high with an indica. Enough to relax my mind and help me sleep, because sleep is elusive to the new mom, and sorry to say but it isn’t coming back for several years yet.

Hopefully this post can help rid some stoner moms of needless guilt. I mean it you guys. FORGET what people think and do what makes you happy. You aren’t a criminal, you’re a mom. You’re not some pathetic drug abuser in the street, you’re a MOM giggling in her BATHROOM. Put your children first, and be kind to yourself.

Until tomorrow!