Waking up is something I struggle with. I’m the type that can sleep through conversations and shoulder shaking. I sleep on my stomach, cocoon myself deeply into the blanket, and block out all those who seek to disturb me. That’s what happens when you have children. You guard your sleep with the fierceness of a stoner guarding the last of their stash. When my oldest started kindergarten I suddenly had to start getting up at an obscene hour to be sure that she was ready for school. IT WAS SO DIFFICULT. I would wake up in a panic and grab my phone. Texts from BFF and husband, all urging me to get up! I’m going to be late! Wake up wake up! Poor BFF had to send me a wakeup text so I wouldn’t fuck carpool up in the first month of kindergarten.

There at the school, moms who are moreΒ motivated than me, dressed and ready for work. Clearly they showered. They obviously blow dried their hair. And meanwhile I’m in dog hair covered yoga pants, crust in my eye and zits uncovered. Other parents probably think I’m two different people. The woman who picks up the kids at the end of school does not look like the one who dropped them off.

Now my oldest isΒ in second grade, and the youngest is in kindergarten. I’ve had a few years to figure out how to successfully get then up and ready for school. Here’s my morning schedule, every school day:

  • 6:10- Alarm on iPhone goes off. Shove arm out and swipe alarm without looking. Sleep.
  • 6:20- Awake with a start, see that it’s not yet 6:30. Sleep.
  • 6:40- Husband brings hot coffee to my bedside and starts the shaking process. Realize the time and frantically throw self out of bed. There goes wearing normal clothing.
  • 6:45- Wake up both girls. Help them get dressed (clothes always laid out the night before) and then send them off to clean their face and teeth. I tell them to meet me in the kitchen no less than 7:00.
  • 7:00- Both girls sit at the kitchen table with their iPads and sleepily eat a hot breakfast. It is almost always the same thing; peanut butter and jelly (or honey) toast, fresh fruit and occasionally bacon. While they are eating I double-check backpacks, double-check lunch (always made the night before- I CANNOT make lunch in the morning. It just won’t happen).
  • 7:10- Order girls to put on shoes and I start loading up the minivan.
  • 7:20- I leave the house no later than 7:20 to assure that I can parkΒ at school for a few minutes before they have to get to class.
  • 7:45- Bell rings and the girls begin their 7.5 hour day. They go to an aggressive school for gifted and advanced children. They put in long hours and work hard every day.
  • 7:47- Walk my crusty tired ass back to the minivan. Get in, put on very loud and offensive rap music, and battle my way out of the parking lot, suppressing my urge to give fellow parents the finger as they cut me off shamelessly.
  • 8:00- Back home, I rush to my bed and savor the warmth.

I just don’t operate before 9am. But I also can’t really stay up late anymore, cause I’m an old grandma. So I’m not a lark or a wren… I’m just… perpetually sleepy.

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The Stoner Mom is a pulled-together, WAHM, SAHM, boo-boo kissing supermom. Most would assume she is not stoned. Most would be quite wrong.

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