What do you do stoned anyway?

I recently asked my YouTube subscribers, why they chose cannabis. Among the many lovely answers was this popular refrain; weed just makes everything better! And it’s true!

For someone who has never used cannabis, I guess it would be difficult to understand why stoners have no problem walking around stoned all day. I mean, most people understand why it can be fun to be drunk, but no one wants to be drunk all day every day. How would you function? How would you appreciate and experience the world around you?

For a newbie, being stoned does kind of start out as an intoxicated feeling. It can absolutely be debilitating if you don’t use it often. But, that effect fades pretty quickly and for regular stoners like me, cannabis doesn’t really do much at all other than ease pain and make everything more pleasant.

It’s all about enhanced senses. Food tastes better. The world smells better. Things are more beautiful. Color is prettier. Words are deeper. Sex is better. Your heart is softer.

Things are just less stressful. I feel like I have more time. The small things don’t get to me. I have more empathy. Those feelings of not wanting to do something because it probably won’t be perfect… cannabis helps me so much in that regard. Everything is fun when you don’t sweat the small stuff.

Here are some favorite activities that I believe go hand in hand with being a Stoner Parent.

1. Craft Time B*tches!

And by crafts, I mean those piles of “projects” you’ve got going on. My garage is a collection of cardboard boxes and broken down shelving, just in case… in case what? In case I decide to bang together a new sideboard or something. I don’t know. A great time to re-acquaint yourself with a long forgotten project is to do it stoned.

Possibilities here are endless. Knitting, scrapbooking, coloring, puzzles, card making, making all those heartbreakingly cute Martha Stewart crafts you see at Michaels. Remember the last time you spent 45 minutes on Pinterest doing nothing? I’ll bet you pinned something “to do later”. Well now’s later. Get stoned and bust out the glitter and puff paint! Bonus points for doing this with kids. Stoned crafting is super inventive. I promise you’ll impress the little ones.

2. Play Barbies

David and I are both up to our eyeballs in Barbies right now. We actually call them dolls, but me being a child of the 90’s, I am stuck calling them Barbies. Playing Barbies sucks ass. So, so much. We hate it. HAAAAAATE it. It’s the worst. Here’s what it’s like playing Barbies with my youngest.

Me (as a blond barbie): La La La! Aren’t you like SO excited to go to the ball?!

Her (as her): Um Mom?… lets pretend you don’t say that.

She insists that I play with her and yet when I do it’s never right. It’s like playing with some evil boss that you know is going to criticize anything you do anyway, so you say, I’m not going to do this, and then your boss cries.

I mitigate this irritating problem with stoned doll playing. Pop in an edible and then yes, bring me your Barbies! Because I’m about to make every one of them look fabulous. 

3. Get Some (terrible euphemisms ahead)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, stoned sex is the best sex. Relaxed, deeply intimate sex. On-a-whole-new-level sex. If you’ve got the time and the right partner, I highly recommend putting the kids to bed, getting stoned (JUST YOU) and then letting your partner in crime know that It. Is. On. Time to get busy. Bump uglies. Make the Beast with Two Backs. See a Man about a Dog. Go home and play with the box the kid came in.

Wow. I really grossed myself out there.

4. Schedule a Massage, or better yet, an entire Spa Day (hey we can dream)

You have to make an appointment. It costs money. You need a babysitter. You have to get naked. And tip a lot. Yeah yeah, I know.

But it’s worth it. If Foxtrot-Uniform-Charlie-Kilo-ing isn’t a possibility at the moment, do the next best thing and pay to have someone make your body feel good. Here’s how. Get to your spa of choice nice and early and then proceed to get stoned in the car. You can do this with a joint, blunt, small pipe or one-hitter. To be super discreet you can use a portable vaporizer. Yet more discreet would be to have an edible an 90 minutes before your appointment.

Once you are feeling good and high, go in and enjoy your massage! No one expects you to be chatty at the spa, it’s got a very healing and therapeutic atmosphere. You are free to totally zone out and get into the pampering. Don’t be surprised if you fall asleep. It’s okay, your massage therapist has seen it before and it really is their career to help your body feel better. Let them do it.

5. Yard Work

Stoned yard work is pretty much the only yard work that I do. Sun, outdoors, dirt, bugs, worms, social interactions with the neighbors… these are all things I could do without. But if I get good and stoned? And maybe sneak the bong into the garage? And have a podcast playing nearby? I can totally get into yard work. Except for the worms.

There’s also that awesome determination and focus that is the hallmark of many a great cannabis strain. Using that feeling to power through your garden obsessively is a great use of your stoned time. You won’t want to stop until it’s perfect and you’ll be getting in that Vitamin D that we are all seriously lacking.

Here are some things to Avoid doing when Stoned

Don’t… Go on Pinterest. I don’t know what it is about Pinterest that fools us into thinking that we are all secret artists and craftsmen or whatever but we’re not. Pinterest is a coma inducing time suck anyway that can seriously cut into your productivity. Being stoned makes it even worse.

Don’t… Call Relatives. You think no one can tell cause you’re so cool. Except when you call you’re so paranoid about sounding stoned, that you actually will sound stoned. Or at the very least you’ll sound suspicious.

Don’t… Try to Clean Anything too Gross. I talk a lot about the joys of stoned housework, but for the deeply neurotic like me, attempting an out-of-the-norm-disgusting cleaning project stoned is a bad idea. I’m already a deep thinker, and cannabis takes it deeper. I don’t want to be thinking deeply about the stains in the toilet.

Don’t… Try a New Recipe. Stoned cooking should be reserved for those tried and true recipes that you can prepare in the dark. It’s a great time to experiment with existing recipes as your senses are enhanced, but I would avoid trying out anything challenging or brand new. Every time I have tried a new recipe while stoned it has produced Instagram worthy results, and not in a good way.

Don’t… Have an Important Discussion with your Kids. Stoned playing, cool. Stoned story time, fine. But what about the more important events in your child’s life? Stoned visits to the pediatrician? No. Stoned bath giving? No. Stoned parent/teacher conference? … okay maybe just once, but my kids are brilliant. Point is, even for the most liberal stoner parent, there are some places where we draw the line, and anything that’s important to your kids is on the other side. Don’t attempt to explain anything deep, troubling, delicate, or sensitive when stoned. It’s true that a lot of us become more thoughtful and insightful when high, but when it comes to the really important ideas that will form your child’s character, best to always be your most present self.

Hopefully these tips will inspire some of you to treat yourself to a little stoned “me time”, in a safe and mom-friendly way. Good luck out there stoners!