Stoned Thoughts on Beauty

I’m not the mommy blogger that’s going to tell you all that you aren’t good enough because you aren’t gorgeous. As a mom, I am not about teaching vanity to my children. People come in a vast array of packages and true beauty is the person who is happy being just the way they are. That’s what I try to teach my kids at least. That we’re all beautiful, uniquely so. That one persons unkept beauty is just as valid as another’s high maintenance glamour. Art shows us that beauty comes in a thousand forms, none surpassing the others.

Stoner girls do have a certain allure. And because cannabis use occurs in all demographics, it’s safe to surmise that the stoner girls allure does not come from their outward appearance. It’s the free-spirited nature of the pothead, that makes it difficult to dislike them. Perhaps the languid openness too, but mostly, the relaxed and euphoric attitude she exhibits.

However, as free thinking as a stoner mom is, showing up at school looking like a pothead isn’t going to win you any points at PTA. Our kids do care about our appearance, and it’s not your shape, form, or general symmetry that concerns them. They just want you to look like ‘Mom’, and they don’t want you to stand out for anything embarrassing. We owe it to our children to look presentable, and I don’t know, sometimes that doesn’t always matter to a stoner. You can’t always help being stoned and having to interact with other adults. It happens. Here are some tips to slide under the radar when you’re stoned to the bone.

1. Water

Ah cottonmouth. One of the downsides to getting high is that moment your lips stick to your teeth. Water is your friend, and you know you’re supposed to drink it. Have a glass of ice water every time you get high. You’ll need it for the inevitable cough attack anyway, and small sips throughout your stoner session will help fight any dry mouth that may occur. Hydration equals beauty and health so working it into daily routine items will help you keep on top of it.

2. Avoid wearing pajamas all goddamn day

Dress in an age and shape appropriate way. You really will feel more comfortable. Pajamas and yoga pants during school drop off? Acceptable. I believe there has been some sort of tacit agreement among adults that we won’t judge one another based on what we look, smell, or drive like in the morning. But if you come rolling up in the afternoon still looking like that, you’re violating the agreement. Unless you’re sick. Or it’s laundry day. Or you have a baby. Or you just need a break.

3. Moisturize

Remember hydration equals beauty. Moisturizing keeps water in the skin, counteracts redness, fills in ridges for a smoother appearance, prevents wrinkles, helps heal overnight and protects the skin during the day. A simple night cream provides intense hydration during those crucial nighttime hours. A day lotion with SPF protects our delicate facial skin from the suns harmful rays.

4. Become Obsessive About Your Teeth

So, you know that single-minded focus you get sometimes after getting majorly stoned? That focus can do two things.. It can leave you in inertia, deeply entrenched in your thoughts. Or you can harness the focus as a superpower and direct it towards a task. The Stoner Mom recommends that you get stoned and floss. For real. Then do a rinse with Listerene. Next, brush your teeth. However ridiculous it is, the image of a tobacco smokers teeth haunts me. I do not know what longterm effect cannabis has on teeth, but I know that consistent daily contact of smoke and teeth can’t be good for them. I promise you, your teeth will thank you if you make it a point to brush your teeth when you get high.

5. Gum

The quick fix for saying stupid shit while you’re standing around making awkward conversation is a stick of gum. Put your nervous energy into chewing, and hopefully your gum smacking is revolting enough to chase away the would-be conversationalist. If not, it will at least mask any bad breath resulting from the stay-at-home moms diet of sandwich crusts and Starbucks.

6. Take care of your eyes

The hallmarks of a stoner are those red, squinty eyes. Red eyes look awful on all skin tones. Help those poor pupils out and give them some moisture both before you toke up, and after. Keep eye cream in your purse for a quick midday treatment. On nights out on the town, eye cream and a powder touch up are this stoner mom’s secret to looking awake even after a couple of drinks. Well manicured brows and curling your eyelashes in the morning is the makeover for the minimalist.

7. Sunglasses are your friend

Regular glasses too. I mean anything is better than having your bare face examined while you descend into paranoid madness. I kid, I kid, but really, what woman wouldn’t want to do everything they can in their sunglasses? Avoid looking stoned by hiding behind a pair of gorgeous designer sunglasses. You can play up your social anxiety as being super cool. Stoned? Me? Please.

8. Focus attention. Lips!

The perfect pout distracts nicely from a brain fart or other stoner lapses in polite society. Here is the easy 3 step plan to luscious lips: Moisturize lips at night with your preferred product, exfoliate gently in the shower (a soft toothbrush works nicely), and protect lips during the day with some sort of chapstick product. A nude lipliner and basic cream lipgloss are my preferred daytime look.

9. Consistency

The secret to beauty tips like these is that they need to be applied consistently, otherwise they won’t work. Build a basic beauty routine that reflects the end goal you want, and stick to it. Don’t stop at the first sign of improvement either.

10. Sweetness Wins

Smile. Be happy. You’re stoned. If people suspect you’re a stoner they likely won’t care if you’ve always been sweet to them. Remember that no amount of makeup or rest will make a mean woman look beautiful.  Learn to think positively, and you’ll radiate a beauty that your children will remember in their golden years.

The key to beauty lies not in products or regular salon appointments. Stoner girls are free spirits, that’s what is so very appealing about them.


The Stoner Mom is a pulled-together, WAHM, SAHM, boo-boo kissing supermom. Most would assume she is not stoned. Most would be quite wrong.

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